Working Mommy Woes

I named my blog to reflect that I work, but I really haven't blogged much about it. I'm really not that happy with what I do. I didn't care much for it before I had Little S. and now that she's here, I completely resent coming to work most of the time. I have tried to convince myself that I am working so I can take care of her. I have health insurance. I need my income to pay bills. Even though I live in an office in the basement, I do see my coworkers when I want to. It's some adult socializing even if it's minimal. As a family, we need my job right now. My brain knows this....my heart isn't buying it. More than anything, I just want to be home with my baby girl! I feel horribly guilty each day when I drop her off at the day care. I know she has fun there...I know she's safe there. While I'm there with her, she's laughing and clapping and minutes after I leave, she's a happy girl. It's those minutes while I'm trying to leave that wrenches at my heart strings. As soon as she sees that I'm about to leave, she throws herself forward screaming and crying big allegator tears! :( It's all I can do to leave her that way. If I just stand outside the door for a bit, I can hear that she's fine. The guilt is still there regardless...

As you can tell from my blog, it's important to me to be close to my baby. Breastfeeding is important and, thankfully, we're still at it at nearly 11 months! It's been much harder to continue this while working and pumping, but I'm proud of myself for staying with it! I have really enjoyed babywearing with Little S. She's getting a bit big for it these days, but there was a time when I would strap her on as soon as I got home so we could have some close mommy/baby time. I could tell she missed me and wanted to be close. I'd wear her while going for walks and going shopping too. I wish that I had been able to wear her more.

Cloth diapering has also become important to me. It's also more of a challenge while working full time but, as with breastfeeding, we are overcoming obstacles to make it work! Thankfully, out daycare is willing to use them as well so we don't have to worry about disposables at all! :)

My point, everything that is important to me to do for my baby is so much harder while working full time. Even though I'm following thru with these things, I still don't feel that I can give her (or my job or my husband) all the attention I want or need too. I'm always falling shorter than I find acceptable somewhere.

To brighten my day, and maybe yours too, here's my Little S. showing that big cheeser smile that I love so much!

Mommy guilt...

I HATE going to work and so desire to be a stay at home mom. I feel so bad for leaving my baby girl every day. Last night just added more guilt to this working mommy's heart. I had a require work meeting at 7pm! ARGH! That's my baby time! So I had to be away from her all day, come home for a couple hours and leave again....just doesn't seem fair. I know it's just the way of life for most people now a days. I just have a really hard time with it. There is no way I can stay home with her right now and that breaks my heart. Maybe with the next baby I'll get to but I'm not holding my breath. I just try to remind myself that I'm going to work so I can pay by bills and be able to better take care of my little S instead of thinking that work is keeping my from caring for her. I still feel guilt but I hope it gets to be better over time.

Yes, I will take some coffee in my creamer...

I stay exhausted! The time change is killing me and we're already a few days into it! Someone needs to tell my kid that it's ok to go to bed/get up at the proper times again. AH! The last few days she just wants to play and giggle like crazy at bed time. She doesn't want to nurse. I love her to pieces but mommy needs some rest! I have to get up at 5AM every blessed weekday to go to work. The fact that I hate my job makes getting up even more miserable. Regardless, I have a morning routine that gives me an hour to get ready and then I have an hour to spend with little S before I have to leave. This gives me time to change diaper(s), nurse her, clean her up if she throws up and start all over again...you know, just taking care of her and having some more baby-mommy time. :)

This morning, for some unknown reason, she decides to get up about 45 mins early! NOOO!! That's not how it's supposed to work! It threw my whole morning routine off and it just sucks....

So I'm now sitting here with my cup of coffee still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and praying I can get thru another day in my office. Like I have a choice...